What happened: My friend passed away three days after my 22nd birthday this year, she actually went into a coma on the evening of my birthday.  I had gone to visit her at the hospital with some chocolates and was told I would not be able to give them to her or leave them for her family as her family would not be returning.  After collapsing in the hospital and being escorted out I headed back towards the city centre crying the whole way home.  As I got off the bus I received a text message confirming her death.  We had been very close the year before until she hooked up with a guy who I was seeing who we were both very close too.  I then ended my relationship with both of them very dramatically.  I had seen her in the weeks before her death three times. Once on Mutley Plain with her boyfriend walking his dog, once the day they were moving in to their new home together whilst she was carrying stuff into the house, and once more a week before she died just round the corner from my house.  Each time I chose to ignore her, not because I was still angry at her but because I didn’t want to fight.  The last two times I was very close to running up to her and hugging her and telling her I missed her.

What I was thinking and feeling at the time: The sad thing is I was one of only a few friends that went to visit her in the hospital. On the first day I sat there with her boyfriend before he went in, I spoke to her mum and her sister before they went in and then I left and returned on the second day to find out she had flown away with the angels.  Whilst I sat with her boyfriend in the hospital I didn’t accept that she wasn’t going to make it, despite the fact the ambulance had been called forty-five minutes after her heart attack.  I felt terrible because her and her boyfriend were truly made for each other and I didn’t really want to be in a relationship with him in the first place to be honest.  I just wanted to be friends with him but I spat by dummy out like a child when he chose her over me.  I felt awful about those times I walked past her in a rush to get my chores done thinking , ‘Oh I’m sure we’ll see each other at a gathering soon and we will make up.’  I can honestly say the word for my feelings at the time is ‘dark’, just really really dark.

What sense can I make of the situation: What I can make of the situation is you really do only live once, look after yourself and your loved ones. If you’re going to fight over petty situations, hurry up and kiss and make up before it’s too late.  Don’t be quick to throw a friendship away.

What else could I have done? If I could change anything about it I would of course change it all.  I wouldn’t of spat my dummy out as if she had stolen my property, I wouldn’t have ignored her in the street.  I would have spoken to her much sooner, I would have spent more time with her, I would have most probably spent my birthday with her and then maybe quite possibly she wouldn’t have died.  If I hadn’t moved out of the house I would most certainly have been there to help.  There is a number of things many of us could and couldn’t have done to improve the outcome of that evening, the matter of fact is we need to look after our health.

If it arose again what would I do?  If a situation like this happens again… well it will, that’s the point, everybody dies, just not at 23 years old.  I think I’m at a point in life where I accept death, I have my own version of ideas as to what happens when we leave and it gives me comfort.  However, if there is ever an opportunity to fall out over a boy again I would chose to just laugh the situation off and give my friend a cuddle or I wouldn’t have been such a coward and would have rebuilt our friendship before she left us.

Why reflective writing/thinking is important: Reflective writing is important as it enables people to view the situation in a different perspective  and it helps us to analyse our own behaviour. If writing about a relationship issue or incident it helps people to feel empathy for the other person and influences us to engage in awareness of our own faults in the situation.  I first started using reflective writing when I was about 17.  I was given a copy of, ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’. In one particular section the book discusses how reflective writing is important in resolving relationship disputes.  You can choose to write a letter to a loved one and give it to them, throw it away or put it in a love letter box.  The idea is it is a good outlet that doesn’t harm the other person and you can decide after if it’s appropriate to give the person the letter or not.  I’ve found that even writing letters in my head has helped me overcome issues with particular people in the past and helped me make more sense of what my issue is. I think reflective writing/critical thinking is an important part of self development, progression in relationships and spiritual growth.